The Logic of a Toddler

Let me try and explain the logic of a toddler.

[Toddler enters room]

Are there any interesting things/people in this room? If not, go to next room. If there is, first go to people who have food. If they do not immediately offer the food, grunt and gesture for food. If they still don't give up the food, cry until they give up the goods. Once all food has been consumed, take a drink of milk from sippy cup and fling the cup across the room and gasp as you watch the milk spray everywhere.

Next, is there a dog in the room? If no, go on. If yes, run up to the dog, slap him on the nose and say "Hi!!" while waving with both hands.

Pee in pants.

Look for interesting things in the room. If none, go to next room. If yes, go on.

If there is anything within reach that I know I'm not supposed to have, grab it and run like the wind until mommy/daddy catches me.

Find next interesting thing in room. Can I climb/stand on it? If yes, do it. Once (not if) I fall off of it, cry until mommy coddles me.

If standing is not an option, can I fit inside of it? If yes, climb inside. Once I'm done playing inside of it, if I cannot get out, let my frustrations show until daddy pulls me out. If standing or climbing inside is not an option, sit down with it and play.

Poop in pants.

Beg for more food. Once successful, if dog is present, hold food out in front of it and then run when he tries to get it. Continue to run circles while laughing at dog when he can't reach food. Once (not if) dog snatches food, go back to mommy and daddy for more treats. Do this until satisfied.

Rub eyes, nose, and ears until mommy and daddy give me my binkie. Walk around room like zombie. Pull a couple books off shelf and bring to mommy and/or daddy. Let them read a few pages of book then jump off lap. Walk around room like zombie. Pull a couple more books off shelf and bring to mommy and/or daddy. Let them read a few pages of book and then jump off again. Repeat process until mommy/daddy put death grip on body preventing me from jumping off lap. Cry. Cry some more. Cry again. Give up and let mommy/daddy read Goodnight Moon to me once again. Fall asleep.

Coming soon...The Logic of a Teenage Girl.